...it's a dangerous addiction.... ....such a beautiful disaster....

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 21:52:43 GMT

I'm bored.

yup.

^arrrrmmm

^llleeggggg

^the whole package

^why i love my brother

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 21:47:14 GMT

I'm bored.

^arrrrmmmm

^llleeeeggg

^me

And one of my face:

5'3''- 5'4''
124-129lbs

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 01:08:03 GMT

new journal notxaxthing

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 05:30:11 GMT

So Today was my third day of fasting. This morning was horrible, I could barely get out of bed. Well, about 5pm today something came over me. Not the whole "omg im hungry im going to binge" kind of thing. But more along the lines of "I need to stop this". So I'm at my friends, sisters apartment. We were on the balcony smoking a cigerette. And that's when I just starting thinking about my ED. I don't need this, I don't like these habits. And basically I've decided to stop all this shit. Okay, now I know it's not as easy as just saying your going to stop. But today, I've managed to eat & not think about purging, eat without thinking about calories, stop when I'm full, and not worry about my weight. Oh coarse it came into my mind a few times, but I tried my best to block it out.

It's just I haven't really been losing weight. Despite all the shit I've been putting myself through. It's hell on my body and emotions and I don't think its worth it. I'm almost possitive I can get a good body just by eating really healthy and exercising. [note:I want to be a vegen -Lord knows I've tried haha-] I know I can get through this though. I mean, I've gotten through depression [for the most part], stopped doing coke with no problem, I certainly can stop smoking [if I wanted to, I've gone months with no cravings],I've stopped cutting, I have stopped drinking. Seriously, if I can do all of those things, certainly I can get through this. Yes, it takes a lot of effort and really believing you can do it, but I really want to. I hate waking up and hating my body. I hate counting calories and I hate bingeing. Everything about this ED makes me upset. So...why am I doing this? So my plan, well I'm going to have a vegan lifestyle. As well as exercise [almost] daily. I've just got to control my thinking and stop worrying about this shit. I don't know.

Day 3

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 15:46:54 GMT

Intense weakness. It hurts like a bitch. It was nearly impossible to get out of bed. I just tripped on something and got so fucking dizzy haha. I'm going to the DPS today with kelsey, I hope I don't get even worse. Let's hope she doesnt want to go to the mall or something haha. I can hear my heart beat more clearly and throughout my entire body haha. I feel like i'm going to die haha. bahhhh i dont like this at all. haha =\

Ah, day two.

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 16:18:04 GMT

Nearly 36 hours. I'm doing great, dreamed a little bout food haha. Then I was dreaming bout being in these classes and then some army classes. And somehow ended up on the beach messing around with dead sea walrus thingy ma bobs I dont know lmao...

Anyways, So I don't look like I'm as fat as I was. I hate not knowing how much I weigh. Grr, but then again I like it cos then I'm not frustrated cos the number didn't go down or something. I think I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to eat, watch my mum go grocery shopping today haha. Bahhhhh, I'm afraid of Friday though, pizza night. Ah, I just got sad a lil bit. Stupid pizza. I'm really stoked about this fast though, I really want to complete it. :)

edit: Gad, food cravings are bad. And im weak&tired. But oh well, mustn't eat. I've had about 120oz...or 140oz of water, im losing track haha. And I exercised for an hour today, so thats all good. I want to weigh myself, but then again I don't cos i know im not under 120 yet...bahhhhhh perhaps...maybe, ill weigh myself on day 5 of this fast =\ dunno....I think im going to go exercise some more...watch a movie, i dunnnno. :)

edit: So i may just die? im starrrvvvvving haha every other commercial is about food 1000 calorie food that i crave so much haha....so its been lets see...44 hours? bahhhhh kelsey is coming over later...so thats cool i guess. i want to weigh myself soooo bad its driving me crazy. ive consumed a good 160oz of water...bahhh lots of water ima drink 200oz today then stop...cos last night i woke up in the middle of the night having to pee like a bitch haha yahhhh i dunno, not eating...craving food...resisting to weigh myself...peeing every 30min....bahhhhhhh ima go insane....i want it to be past the 3rd day already...i mustn't give in though...and i cant let myself weigh myself....i cant, cos first its weighing...then its frustration....and that leads to eating....so no no no no no weighing....bahhh back to watching gilmore girls....pizza,oreos,chicken,fries,waffles,popcorn,cake,ice cream,tacos, calamari, rolls, ahhh bennigans...olive garden...even ihop....yet at some point i dont feel like eating a damn thing...just all depends ya kno...sooo nooo food...mussttt get to 114lbs....bahhhhhh 12 more days, i can so do this....i may weigh myself on day 8? to see how much i lose in a week...yupppp.

edit: So its been a good 48hours on my fast. Today was hard, in the sense that i was craving everything. all i did was smell things tho haha. *sigh* i really want resturant food tho. Jerry called...i feel bad cos i didnt really want to talk on th phone, and well im sure he did. i hope he didnt take that the wrong way. i love him. but fasting and this ed get the best of me...its like thats all im concerned about. im so tired right now but im afraid ill lay down and hurt from the hunger pains....i hate when im fasting and i cant get to sleep. it sucks ass. ahhh cravings...its like im hungry but at the same time i dont want any food =\rawr

bennigans:
fried chicken
fries
rolls
baked potatoe
calamari
hamburgers
mcdonalds:
chicken sandwich
fries
chicken nuggets
sonic:
brownie ice cream blast
cheese sticks
taters
olive garden:
pasta
alfredo
breadsticks
cheesecake
chinese food:
sweet and sour chicken
rice
won ton soup
cheese puffs
whataburger:
chicken
fries
bread/gravy
taco bell:
tacos
nachos
jack in the box:
chicken
curly fries
cheesecake
Dairy queen:
frieessss
other:
oreos
waffles
mac and cheese
friesssss
grandmas fried chicken
tacos
cake
cookie dough
crackers
pizzzaaaa mmm

seriously i cant get my mind off of the food haha im crazy when im doing long term fasts....bahhhhhh

sighsigh...i think i just might go to bennigans after my fast haha...cos my fast ends on the 24th annnd ill prolly be on my period...soooooo prolly go to bennigans on the 25th...then fast the next day...then restrict? i dont know. its sooo far ahead. 12 more days. bahhhhhhhh well ima go try to fall asleep. gnight

Last post for the day...

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 05:01:20 GMT

Officially 24hours into my fast.
160oz of water.
1 hour and 30min of exercise
plus some walking

I think I did good. Many temptations to eat, or wanting to eat a bunch of crap. Cept theres no food in my house so it's all good. yay. haha

Jerry's going to san antonion tmw, for 3 days. aw.

well i'm off to bed, tired as fuck. gnight

moo

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 02:20:06 GMT

Being locked up like this can really add on to my depression. I mean, before it was like whatever I don't even want to go anywhere. Now, I actually want to go out but...my mum won't let me see steph. It's quite sad.

I've done well with fasting esp. with every craving possible. oreos, mmm. haha

I've had 140oz of water so far haha. perhaps I should stop drinking so i dont have to pee in the middle of the night.

i did good with exercising...and tmw i want to do more. it gets super tiring after a while tho considering the weakness from fasting and all. hm, maybe ill take some benedryl to help me fall asleep. the faster the better. bahhh and im sooo cold. i really need to stop it with the throwing up im pretty sure thats the reason why my face looks like crap...i usually never get all broken out and crap.

i keep reminding myself that i love feeling hungry and just fasting in general and if i ate anything itd ruin it all...yupyup. plus i neeeed this, i need to be under 100 by the time school starts and a long ass fast is just the thing to start a fast weight loss...

and ya know i dont even think i want a job anymore. i mean i dont really need the money, and i suck at saving it. so its whatever plus i need to make sure i do exellent this year in school. so yyyaaa.

man ive written in here like a thousand times today oh well. get over it. bahhhh i want day 3 to come already. tmw i think will be my hardest day...just getting through it completely....rawr. ima exercise as much as my weak body will let me haha and then some.

anywho ima go look at some pics.

gad i want to weigh myself so bad hahaha

ehhhh.

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 23:09:47 GMT

Well, I've done a good amount of exercising. And it actually made me feel a whole lot better.
250crunches
15push ups
30lunges
20arm weight lifts
and tons of stretching

I became really unflexable...it sucks. So thats my goal for the next 14days, doing a lot of streatching and get really flexable.

I've had 80oz of water now. So its'a all good in the hood haha.

I really need to sit down and just think about things, think about how i feel. cos lately ive been shutting off my feelings and just well ya kno obsessing with my weight

blahblahblah

sleep/drink water/exercise/shower
repeat for the next fourteen days.

ohyes, its going to be a loonnngg fourteen days.

oh

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 20:06:11 GMT

So I was thinking, by the time I get off this fast. I'll probably be starting my period =\ So I'm thinking I'll just weigh myself after that. Bahhh I want to weigh myself so bad right now & I want to eat. But I don't & I'm tired.
I've drank 40oz of water, so far. & I feel really cranky...like I could snap at any moment haha. Which I hate cos thats what happen yesturday i got so frustrated i just went all out and ate crap. But 14 days...not that long, eh? I can do this. Hell, it's day one...wth should this be so hard, i think if i can get past day 3 then everything will be o-kizay...yes, im quoting madagascar.

I want to sit somewhere pretty, stranded. No possible way I could eat. and just pretend like im waiting on something. just sit there...perhaps a beach..just sit there watch time go by...yes, thats what i want to do. ohohoh

bahhhhhh

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 18:41:53 GMT

THC DXM: same lol just cleaning
THC DXM: hey go listen to this song called
THC DXM: Rose of Sharyn by Killswitch Engage
THC DXM: lol it reminds me of u
dot dot dot brit: annnddddd how do you expect me to listen to that song...hmm...
dot dot dot brit: lol
THC DXM: u magically pull it out of ur ass and into ur computer duh!
THC DXM: lol
dot dot dot brit: lol oooh ok
THC DXM: "It wont be long... we'll meet again, my love for you is ever lasting..."
THC DXM is away at 1:25:40 PM.
dot dot dot brit: aw<3

He's so much more sweet now than he used to be and not so much of a controlling jackass. Maybe cos he lost me once and he doesn't want to lose me again? Eh, I don't know. I think he's going to san antonio tommorow, maybe to view the college campus? Aw, I don't want him to go. It's hard enough to see each other with him living an hour or so away. Now hes going to be like 4 hours away =\ and if i move to ny hes gonna be like 27863412874513 hours away. how sad! aw whatever life goes on haha jk i dont know....

i kind of miss having a life...and throwing tomatoes and eggs with steph...going out to resturants to just order diet coke and smoke a pack of cigerettes. i miss smoking. i shouldnt but i miss it all. i miss getting drunk at school with steph i miss i dont know what i miss. i kind of also just feel like wtf you wanna miss shit your just going to get sad. i mean things will come again, perhaps better things...and itll be all good. yah? i dont know. i havent eaten yet...but then again its only 1:30 and ive only been awake for an hour...=\ i kind of just want to give in and eat everything.theres a cake in the kitchen...but no no no no and why
1.im not even that hungry
2.ill just eat all day
3 ill get fat
4.im on a fucking fast here
5.food is dumb
6.my throat still hurts from yesturday i dont want to throw up
7.im working on losing 14lbs here
8.eating is crap
9.i dont even like the crap in my kitchen
10.i.dont.want.to.be.fat.anymore

yup. ten reasons why i shouldnt eat right now. i think thats good enough, right?

i could REALLY go for some diet coke and some 27's...lets face it, i just dont want to stop smoking....godddammmmn

bahhh chugged water...hurts....ow haha....

whyd i have to fuck up again? whywhywhywhy i want to chill with steph & casually drink & smoke...bahhhh im a dumbass. whatever.

Anti-social.

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 05:02:42 GMT

At this moment, I just want to lay in my bed and sleep forever. Don't want to talk to anyone...do anything...def. not eat. Just lay there and 'rot away'. I just don't want to fucking eat. Why is it so hard for me to lose this weight?!?!!?! whywhywhywhy....seriously i dont recall it being this hard before...it took maybe 2months to lose 20lbs...and now...hmmmm cant lose a damn thing...not a damn thing. fuck.

my throat hurts so bad and everytime i swallow it just reminds me how much this all sucks fucking ass. if i hadnt eaten i wouldnt have thrown up. end up story. goodbye. the end....yes im quoting harry potter.

its like theres throw up in my throat...or acid, and it is anything but lovely.

and my fucking pictures that i put on my wall/door are annoying the fuck out of me cos theyre all fucking falling...fuck them, im going to rip them all off.

bahhhh.....no one is to disturb me tmw. maybe even for 14 days....fuck i know i cant do that cos my friends/jerr will want to talk but uhhh tommorow...no, i need time to just mope around. whatever the word is...

and if that means laying in my bed all fucking day watching harry potter than so be it....

my.throat.is.fucking.killing.me.

i hate that 'theres something caught in my throat' feeling and i hate to think it fucking thrown up food...sickkk. it just hurts like a bitch. make it go away!

I feel like shoving a spoon down my throat. =\

fuck

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 04:05:54 GMT

heart beats faster. weakness overcomes my body. clearing my throat every 5 seconds. trying not to pass out.

oh yes, its lovely. *pffft*

Why don't I just choke on my own finger and die! I'm just kidding?

ok so im going to do something....i have no idea if itll work...but lets hope for the best?

July 10th-July 24th *fast*

200oz of water per day
30min of exercise
-200crunches
-30lunges
-20push ups

weight now- 128.5lbs

goal weight- 114lbs

*note: im not weighing myself until im done with my fast

You're fat. And I know at this point you think you'll never lose weight. Well who fucking cares, this is punishment. You're an idiot and don't deserve to eat. Starve yourself hunny, starve to fucking death. You're now doing this for other reasons than to lose weight, cos that's impossible. You'll always be fat, sorry but it's true. Just fucking don't eat.

bahhhhhh i feel like crap. yesturday i started off good restricting then ate a crap load and today i did so good fasting then blahhhhh.....im going to die...or so it feels like it. and yes i fucking threw up 3 times tonight...fuck you. fuck myself...fuck this.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 21:22:43 GMT

200. My name is:
Britanie.

199. I was born on:
april twenty fifth, ninteen eighty nine.

198. My sign is:
taurus

196. My eye color is:
Hazel green.

195. My shoe size is:
likkkeee....seven or eight

194. My ring size is:
your mom

193. there is nothing here...

192. My height is:
5'3...or so i think, not EXACTLY sure but whatever haha

191. What are you allergic to?:
i used to be allergic to ciggerette smoke...um not so much anymore haha

190. I live in:
london...haha i wish. doodie ass texas...perhaps new york soon

189. The last three books I read:
"the da vinci code"
"the chronicles of narnia"
and prolly all those cool harry potter books

188. My bed is:
made out of silly putty. hehe uhm its dumb...and doesnt have a frame...its just a matress..with a boxspring OH FUN..hey at least it doesnt squeak...wellll...kind of haha

187. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex:
they are dead sexy. annnd theyre dumb

186. I am glad I'm my sex because:
i can put on make up and not be called emo/gothic/gay

184. My best friends are:
made out of chocolate haha...ah no uhm the coolest people ever...

181. Do you get along with people?
until theyre stupid annoying bitches...suure.
.
179. My favorite pajamas are:
i just wear my tiny shorts and a tshirt...yupyup or my plaid pajama pants mmmm

178. A perfect kiss is:
soft but hard, passionate but fragile; hands in hair, heartstopping.
^i like ellens answer
but added with loads of lovs ....mmm

177. The last three albums I bought are:
bitch please i dont buy cds...no uhm its been a while...im poor now haha

176. Last song that made me cry was:
gr arg...i cry THEN listen to music so i dunnno evanescence is my weakness

172. My most treasured possession is:
uhm my ass no i dunno

170. What did you do last night:
hmm wouldnt u like to know...erm i was up all night talking to jer till nearly 7am bahhhh

167. My skin's reaction to the sun is tan/burned:
neither...seriosuly...ill put tanning oil on tan for an hour everday and oh look who has a tan...not me!!!!

-I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe in-

143. Santa:
i...um dont even really believe in christmas haha.

142. Love at first sight?:
in your dreams

140. Fate?:
oh yes it can come in handy

139. God?:
my mom found god, then she fucked him. hahaha kelsey [good times]

138. Aliens?:
dont carrre

137. Heaven?:
bahhh

136. Hell?:
baahhh again

135. Ghosts?:
indeed, indeed. im very into paranormal phenomonons

134. Horoscopes?:
sure

135. Soulmates?
ooh of coarse

-Which is Better?: -

129. Hugs or Kisses:
hug first then kiss hehe

128. Drunk or High:
tough...both, im had bad experiences with. i just need to take things slow...so either one its all good

127. Phone or Online:
depending on whether i want to talk on the phone or just online

126. Girls or Boys with/without Hats:
nada sombreros

125. Blondes or Brunettes:
black?

119. Oranges or Apples:
mmm apples, oranges, pinapples, strawberries, grapes, mmmm

118. Curly or Straight hair:
straight

-Here's What I Think About. . . -

116. Abortion?:
pro-choice.

115. Backstabbers?:
need to shut the fuck up cos i dont give a damn

110. School?:
senior year...woot woot...then offff to college

-Last time I. . . -

104. Took a Shower:
up your ass....last night

103. Kissed someone:
er...never!

102. Hugged someone:
you

101. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while:
well i havent seen jerry....dern

99. Grew:
tommorow

90. The ditziest person I know:
hehe kels its funny

89. The one person who makes me laugh the most is:
stephstephsteph <3

87. One thing I'm pissed about right now is:
im still tired =\ im forgetting about my family haha oh& that i want to eat right now=\

83. The last movie I saw in the theater was:
um i kno it was with steph...eh, w/e we saw...

82. The thing I don't understand is:
why your so dumb...and everything else

81. The dumbest thing u have ever said:
oh god ive said to many dumb things....yuppp

80. The most unsatisfactory answer you ever heard:
i dont know

79. The one thing I love about the opposite sex is?
skinny hot tan body...the way they love you more than you love them. and sometimes...theyre just more loyal...sometimes, if thier loyal at all haha

78. This week I am:
a prostatuite...god i cant even spell it lol

77. This winter vacation I :
got skinny and high sometimes

76. This summer vacation I am:
better'ing myself....being bored as fuck cos i hate my family bahhhhh

75. Something I will really miss when I leave home is:
NOTHING good lord nothing....cept my friends if we go in seperate ways =\

73. Tomorrow is:
monday....mooonnnndayyy

72. Today/tonight is:
sllleep day haha

71. One wish for summer:
to get fucking skinny dammit

70. Next Week:
absoloutelyenjjkeng nothing

64. The person I have been friends with the longest:
well, my trinity friends...besides that i guess jerry

62. Person who knows most about you:
jerry prolly...then steph and kels yah they all kno everything about me

61. The person who can read me the best is:
your mom...yah. no i dont kno

60. The most difficult thing to do is:
pretend your not on drugs when you are...unless its coke, haha

59. i have/have not gotten a speeding ticket:
i do not drive biatch

58. I have the following siblings:
sista brandi and brotha johnathan

57. My favorite people are:
steph kels and jerr

55. The first person I thought/think I was/ am in love with was/is:
first person like absolutely first? 7th grade...kalle...aww lol

53. The one person who can't hide things from me:
jesus...man, he just cant hide a DAMN thing from me...

52. The person I find myself spilling my guts to is:
erbody hahhaha

51. Right now I am talking to:
my butt

48. I have a job at:
bitch plz...nigga dont need no job.

47. I have these pets:
my weiner dog, rusty and hopefully justin will give me those 2 kittens...aww

46. I wish I was:
having that special date with that special someone...
actually, no i really wish i was sleeping still...damn im tired

45. The worst sound in the world:
prolly when people fight...its dumb

44. The person that makes me cry the most is
bitch dont cry..hah

43. The best shoulder to cry on is:
i dont cry on shoulders...who do ya think i am...

41. I almost died:
cos im an idiot who od's on caffeine pills...and ya kno gets drunk at school...gets caught and nearly cuts herself to death....i mean, no that wasnt me...idddioottt...oh and in 1st grade i had a virus...hospital for 2 weeks...siickkk

39. My boyfriend is:
your mom...or some asian...kind of...basically?

34. My favorite state:
i dunno, id have to visit every state first...oh but i love washington dc

33. My favorite piece of clothing is:
my abercrombie jeans...oorrrr my pajama pants mmm comfy

32. My favorite sport to play is:
volleyball...soccer...pretend basketball is fun too haha

30. The last time I cried was:
um...oh ya yesturday cos i was super pissed....bahhhhh my family

29. What I'm wearing right now is:
crap....my tiny shorts and the TRUTH shirt my husband gave me at warped tour haha

28. The school I went to is:
went...trinity

27. The last person I got pissed off at was:
dumbbb family...my grandma

26. My worst drinking experience was:
there's four...1.drunk at school[suspended and sent to alternative school..funnn, no seriously it was fun] 2.drunk at work [got fired] 3.dont remember 4. fourth of july...damn that was bad shit...

24. The last movie I watched was:
of coarse, harry potter...i believe it was the 3rd one im always watching that one

22. The all-time best movie is:
all harry potters mmmm daniel

21. The all-time best thing in the world is:
when things happen the way you want...friends and love...mmm happiness

19. The most annoying thing ever is:
bahhhh where to start...whatever

17. I lose all respect for people who:
i dont tend to lose peoples respect cos i think people lose to much respect for me...and it sucks so i like to give people the benfit of the doubt

16. The movies I have cried at are:
errr...i dunnnoooo none told ya nigga dont cry ha

11. The worst pain I was ever in was:
when i od'ed on caffeine pills...worst abdonimol pain ever...and then same time the next 3 months...bahhhh wth

10. My favorite phrases:
bahhhh
your mom
whatever

9. My room is full of :
vogue pictures

8. My favorite celebrity is:
celebrities are doodie...really.

6. My downfall is:
boys & love & friends

5. My weakness is:
falling apart

4. Cute things someone can do for you?
be all cute and considerate

3. I want this to end because:
cos im tired bitch

2. I filled out 200 questions because?:
i do what i want.

1. Was it fun?:
your moms fun....

la la la love

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 16:31:38 GMT

Okay, first of all I'm tired as fuck! Only had one 1/2 hours of sleep! yah I'm going to die jk. Well....actually i dont feel like writing haha. I'm fasting for seven days....

happiness though....but im too tired to think about it. blah blah blah....seriously though....tired as fuck! haha.

aw chinese wedding...sorry haha

Well, I slept for about 3 hours. Jerry called, and Stephanie call. BAH! haha wonder what they wanted, hmm. So my grandma made this big dinner [my weakness i mean ultimate weakness...her fried chicken] the table is just covered with food...fried chicken,mashed potatoes, pizza, cheesesticks, peas....omg! and I look at her and im just like...."im not hungry" and shes like...what? your not hungry?? *looks frustrated* at least come sit down and say prayer with us...ahh fine. so did that all was good went upstairs and slept. So all isss good. I was 128lbs this morning I'm at 127.5 now. I've been drinking loads of water. about 100oz yesturday, and so far I've had about 40oz of water. That food, is a bit tempting...but the main thing thats holding me back is that...i cant let jerry down & throw up. I just cant and well that means I can't eat. Cos i cant really trust myself to eat [and not binge and purge] i lose control and its i dont know wierd. like i either eat everything i mean until i get so full and the worst headache..and then some...or i dont eat shit. but im getting better at just restricting. but i really wanna do this seven day fast to get everything started. i just hopw by the end of this fast im at least 120lbs. im really going to try more water and more exercise to see if it helps me lose weight cos i really havent been able to lose any weight recently and its irritating as fuck. So yah...i just dont know. Perhaps ill try again with the whole being vegan, eh? Ah its kind of sad that jerry think hes helping by telling me not to throw up and in a way he is...but its just helping me so much better just to not even eat at all. eh, thats another thing...yesturday i had just eaten then my grandma kept wanting me to do stuff for her and i was getting sooo pissed off cos all i wanted to do was throw it up....bahhhh. i kinda just dont like eating in front of anyone anymore. its just cos i get all panicky and icky and irritated and then head straight for the bathroom =\ bahhhh whatever no mas throwing up.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 02:29:01 GMT

i fucking hate her i hate her i hate her....

she cant fucking make me go to church

im going to die!!! fucking bloddy goddamn mother fucking hell. thats how i feel and part of me just fucking feels like giving in just so i dont have to go through shit anymore...im tired of getting so damn upset that i cry and scream and torture my body....im tired of it...fucking bloody tired of it. i need to talk to jerry dammit....

Oh and not to mention...my mum is thinking about moving to new york. said something bout house looking in november....

mum: you moving to new york with us?
me: *not wanting to even talk to my mum* I'm moving to london...

bah that was a lovely car ride...she kept asking me what i wanted to do this summer instead of sitting around the house i said "nothing!!!"....its my fault then her fault then my will...ya know...i got drunk so she's denying me of seeing my friends i wont do anything else...therefore the rest of summer...oh yes, locked up inside my house ocasionally being forced to stay with my grandparents who fucking force me to go to church....

i hate thier church...i hate it i hate it i hate it....then they always go out to eat afterwards...fucking hell....whatever.

hell...o

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 00:57:06 GMT

Earlier was all fine and dandy [foodwise] soo what happened? well of coarse my mind changes and all hell breaks loose.
blood&stars oh my! =\

my stomach hurts, my throat hurts, my mind hurts...hm wow im surprised i dont have a headache. whywhywhy oh why do i eat if it makes me miserable? i know i say i hate this? and [in jerrys words] then why dont i change it. but i want to be skinny oh, so then why dont i just not eat. oh hunny, please do your mind and body a favor...dont eat for a while. it'll be okay, your survive. just dont dont dont dont eat. please?

I realllly need to stop being so obvious, it just seems that im nearly at my high weight right now. so maybe i think it doesnt matter whether im obvious or not cos it doesnt look like i starve myself. but my sister...well last time i saw her i was restricting majorly and she didnt really see me anything she asked what i wanted to eat and i was like nothing and shes like ooh is that how u lose weight...whatever. and today she saw my scale in the upstairs bathroom...oh coarse im going to bring my scale with me. well she said something about how thats going to make the problem worse...and i was like uhm what are tallking about she just said that weighing myself everyday "isnt good cos in the middle of the day you might gain a pound and then not want to eat the rest of the day" =\ and i dont know bout my mom...shes pretty oblivious to things but usually when i eat ill go into the bathroom for a good 30min to an hour...dunno if she suspects anything...she had asked me if im bulimic tho...but i was actually losing weight back then...i dont know. but my point is, i should hide this more. sighsigh

bahhhh

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 21:27:50 GMT

Mk. So Today started off...okay well no today and yesturday have just been crap. Family shit, my grandma being a douche. But it set me off so I ya know, threw stuff hit things...cried...called jerry...whatever. i dont even care. i really just never want to think about crap ever again. seriously ima be all in my own world, ya kno? whatever i can do to make myself happy....cos seriously why try make other people happy. if everyones making themselves happy....then shouldnt everyone be happy? right...i mean it makes sense to me. Anyways...
Eating-wise...
i woke up at 11:30
had about 3 slices of an apple at 12:30
ate a strawberry just now so thats 4:15
im guessing thats like not even 50cals.
i dont care. i really just dont feel like eating, thank god
oh and ive already had 60oz of water today.

im exhausted. mind&body

my plan was to eat under 500cals a day
eat an hour after i wake up [100cals]
eat at 3pm [250cals]
eat at 6pm [150cals]
and exercise an hour a day [30min at least]

sounds really good actually and i dont kno why i just didnt do this before or ive made this plan i just never stick to it.

before i used to love fasting, now im begginning to hate it, terribly.
i mean, i get irritable...sleepy...and just cranky all around ya know. Yesturday when i hadnt eaten for 40hours my mom wanted me to help put the garage door down cos its fucked up and it was hard cos i was feeling weak and i got really pissed off...i dont like that.

cos when i get pissed off i get upset and then that leads to crying cos id rather be sad than mad...altho its usually jsut both...whatever.

i felt so angry earlier and....sad...more so angry tho i just cant stand to think about anything anymore. and then i also thought about how i might not even see steph [or kels] until school....god that made me sad.

i want to get away from my parents. i want to go to college already. and work my ass off...i want to try my fucking best to do great in college and better myself...i dont care if i have to pay off student loans afterwards, honestly i think its worth it. i just want to do it all on my own. and no matter how bad i want to drink, smoke, cut, anything...im not going to. i jsut wont do that shit to myself anymore. and yah i still have this fucking disordered eating. and i wont ever eat enough. but hey if i just stop these thoughts and stop throwing my food up...yah maybe it'll be better, maybe it wont seem like i have a problem. ill just eat fruit and veggies...and....ah, i dont know. i guess thats just a problem thats always going to stick with me. but i need to get rid of every other problem cos its making my ed more intense and i can not stand that...i just...cant. whatever im done with thinking about shit...

ok ok ok ok

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 23:43:57 GMT

ok so ima try something ive never done before and lets just hope this works

loads of water
500 cals or less
1 hour of exercising

my plans are always so jumbled up....fasting then bingeing...then restricting...perhaps if i can stick to one thing and something thatll keep me going and not make me want to binge or purge for that matter....then maybe, just maybe ill lose weight for good.

im going to start tmw...so we'll just see what happens...

i feel like shit...

crapcracprafkgkjden

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 23:37:49 GMT

nearly died! not really but panic attack surely...so i went bout 45 hours not eating....of coarse its friday and we order pizza...well when your starving freshly delivered pizza is nearly irresistable until you have a slice or 2 and you feel like your going to die...and all you wanna do now is throw up so you go upstairs but uh...wth i dont even think the upstairs toilet works anymore...so you think ok maybe a trash can? the sink? no, i just cant risk getting caught....i was 127.5 with clothes after i ate 130...scared me, i cried a little...its pure crap im tired i just want to fucking lose 10lbs...omg im serious i dont know what to do...and i dont have my journal with me....i need to write down a plan...it helps me...i need it!

i walk this lonely road....dernerer dere deere hum hum la la la

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 07:26:50 GMT

So, still haven't eaten. I thought about it a few times...I'm going on 29hours...good thing im about to go to sleep too. That way I'm alseep as I go through hours 30..and such. Oh man it's raining. How lovely. I feel in a semi-better mood. No idea why. But yah thats just how it goes. I don't feel hungry anymore, thats good. I'm drinking orange juice. literally the only thing ive consumed besides a lil water i had to take some bendryl. i was afraid that any taste in my mouth would cause me to binge =\ I love the rain. I kind of just want to stay up super late...& then sleep all day. Cos im obviously not going to be able to go anything esp. with steph. yaaa right...w/e my lifes like half over im 10 years old! haha madagascar moment there.

Rain.Rain.Rain.

I don't think my mom works in the summer...that, or she quit? She was making a resume...or i donnnt even know...why the fuck does it only rain at night?...cos i mean, i love to see it rain, but it only rains when im asleep...rawr. so everyones going to college....and jacobs never going to like me...so ive go no one...rawr i want boy...thats a friend...and more....a boy of friend...rawr i dont know...im being wierd, dont mind me. its raining super hard. like an avalance pouring from the mountain...i dont mind the sun sometimes...lala i dont kno the rest of that song lol....i had that song blvd of broken dreams stuck in my head earlier....yuppp...so its 2:30 in the am...im sitting here looking like crap...having eaten in nearly 29hours...listening to the rain....wondering wth im going to do with everything and i just have no clue i just think...i dont know...god why doesnt my mum get me a damn therapist, i mean i kno id hate it when i actually got it...but ya knnoooo it may help...rawr fuck you. ok uhm i dont know. my thighs are realllly huge...sigh sigh...haha...i hate how jerry is so fucking blunt with shit and says things in such annoying ways but hes so right...ya know...but i just want to slap him for the way he goes about things...fuck! haha man im gonna miss steph and kels....when will i ever see them again? =\who knows...i dont even think i deserve crap anymore...im not saying that in an emo i hate myself way but just in a way that like....im so dissrespectful and selfish sometimes...and a lil of a bitch and i shouldnt fuckingg smoke anymore...gaadddamn. w/e i may write more later but for now...buhbye

srdfghjhgfjf sleep

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 20:52:52 GMT

A little something I wrote when I was drunk on the 3rd...

time is coming and going
screaming im not alright
but its mistaken as okay
can you fix my mistakes
take me in and cure my pain
hate me and kiss me
dont you just hate it
fuck me and forget me
dont you just hate it
its fine with me
ill live not knowing
isnt it pathetic
how sad i really am

that just fucking defines me haha i dont know. i like it in a disturbingly true way.

I hope this benedryl kicks in well, and i sleep until tommorow. i plan on going to bed pretty soon...yah i know its only 4pm but hey, sad/depressed/stressed/irritable/lonely/hungry....can't get drunk or do any other drug, nor should i....so whats an easy answer...or not so much an answer...but uh sleep...yah know. its like temporarily death...thats what ima do for the next couple of days...ima just sleep/shower/starve....yupppp

sometimes it gets tiring pretending to be happy...ive got to clean my bathroom...fuck and my mom wants me to help with the garage door...uhm iono im going to semi-clean my bathroom cos shes going to go pick up my brother. iono im wierd and i dont like cleaning when people are around...wth.

so i took a 5 hour nap...yet i still feel really tired, prolly cos i havent eaten in 24 hours...

Today has been so...blah. I woke up at noon [had 13hours of sleep] messed around on the computer till 4pm then went back to sleep [5hours] and ive only been awake an hour and I want to go back to sleep. I'm thinking its cos of 2 reasons [1] i dont want to eat [2]im pretty much sad...it feels ok tho. Steph wants me to go to the galleria with her tmw, i really dont know if i can. i dont want to talk to my mom=\ sooo yah im not sure how thats all going to go down. im scared=( I think im going to go take a shower...watch some harry potter while my hair dries & then go back to sleep.

June went by so fast, and i nearly didn't lose any weight it just went from 130 to 123 back to 130....w/e I'm losing weight now, so thats all that matters. 126.5lbs right now...grr...arg...im afraid to drink water or exercise [thinking ill gain weight, number wise, from muscle and water weight] but i know i wont cos ill be burning cals and losing water weight...why am i so dumb..

problem, eh?

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 19:25:00 GMT

BAH I went overboard last night. I feel sad I guess. I'm 127lbs right now. I need to lose 4lbs to meet my goal for saturday. I feel like this is going to be super hard, to actually make my goal weight of 100lbs by the end of this month, seriously thats nearly 30lbs in one month. Who the hell can do that? I mean, It would work if I didn't eat for the entire month. Which I've wanted to do forever, but its hard. Mainly cos I'm so indecisive and things change with me so much. Seriously, on a day to day basis I'm changing my mind about everything, one day im going to be an astronaunt the next im going to be a psychiatrist, oh no lets try model no no veternarian....no! im going to move to london...no no, lets go into the army...oh! im going to be a linguist...hm wait...seriously and that all could happen in a matter of days! who the hell does that!! and why the fuck do I want goldfish haha. Whatever, I wake up and the first thing i do...is watch harry potter. Oh yes, I am cool. Whatever. My friends haven't called me since the night of the 4th...i wonder why. I wonder if theyre ever going to call. Hmm...I'm afraid to do anything or like leave my house? I don't want to eat, I don't want to discuss anything, though perhaps I do just with the right person. I don't want to hear my mom say "well you brought this upon yourself" anymore. I'm tired of it. I'll just have no life for a year and see what happens. Perhaps? I'll stay at home the rest of the summer...Then when school starts I'll go to school....work maybe....and it'll strictly be school/work/no eating/exercise.... ect. ect. and until I can get straight A's, get really thin, not fuck up...yah then I'll start having a life. Cos honestly do I deserve any better? do i? haha, apparently not. CVS never did call me, they prolly heard I'm just a drunk whatever. I want a job though, to start saving up money. London, oh yes. My mum fixed the other computer, so that means ill be on more. Uhm, and also she hasn't said a word. NOT A WORD about what happened on the 4th. Well, I mean she never does. Which is why I don't want to ask her if I can do anything cos it might promote her to mention anything and I don't think I can take it. I just can't.

Ok so I'll probably have to spend the night at my grandparents house this weekend, mum's doing her army shit.I was going to try to get out of it. But if I'd tried now it'd prolly go like this..."why cant i just stay home"..."cos you get drunk....how the hell can i trust you..." and so on. honestly, I can't go through that anymore. I know I shouldn't drink anymore, perhaps I shouldn't smoke anymore. I know I shouldn't but uh, I don't know. I'm too unstable, I'm too indecisive. Grr...

Time alone, will that do any help? I seem to get all wierd when I've been alone for too long. Oh crap, I just remembered the 'dissagreement' my grandmother and I had on the 4th...I wonder how thats all going to go down.

I'd hate to think I've become kind of anti-social. Sometimes, I feel like I want that? but I don't honestly, I want to have a big group of friends, be one of the smallest, laugh and have fun, go to partys on the weekends get drunk and smoke and never get caught, have a bf whos popular and hot and drives a nice car who loves me and accepts everything about me. Yes...thats what I want. But I feel like I def. can't ever! i mean ever! have that. im just a bistander, watching everyone live...sitting back enjoying the way others live cos i cant.

wow. someones a little messed up. whatever. I need therapy...hell my whole family does. but the thing is...when the counslers were trying to help me...yah, i hated it and i wanted them to all fuck off...ya know, i just need the right person. but its wierd, coke really does make you lie cos back in feb. when i was out of AEP my counsler from there came to my schoool to talk to me...and she asked if i had been doing drugs or anything i told her i was absolutely fine and wasnt doing anything and that i was eating right....hm wow. exact opposite...whatever. i can handle being drug free, but this whole eating thing. ya its never going to stop, sorry. whatever. i think im done now soo bye

and shes gone

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 18:03:36 GMT

I'm 125lbs today.
last few days have gone like this

july 1st - 130lbs fasted
july 2nd - 128lbs 200cals
july 3rd - 127lbs 600cals
july 4th - 127lbs 200cals
july 5th - 125lbs 150cals [so far]

so its kinda going ok

At one point...i had a great mind set...where did that go?

Vegen
environmentalist
veternarian [becoming one]

straightening myself up...but i just always fall back.

lets see...lets make a new plan.

500cals one day 200cals the next never over that? hmm

so today i think ill make it 500cal.

actually i was thinking sometime of eating as many calories as i weigh...not exactly that but i mean say i weigh 125...then ill only eat 500cal...124 only 400cals...i dunno. then again im always like 3 diff weights every day lol

la la la la la la la la la i dont care whatever

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 17:26:19 GMT

yah im cool too. i love throwing pigs heads into mosks...wtf! people these days...i suppose thats no better than throwing eggs at people though =\ hahah <3