I'm bored.

( Some for fun. )

I'm bored.

( Some of me, if you care. )

new journal notxaxthing

So Today was my third day of fasting. This morning was horrible, I could barely get out of bed. Well, about 5pm today something came over me. Not the whole "omg im hungry im going to binge" kind of thing. But more along the lines of "I need to stop this". So I'm at my friends, sisters apartment. We were on the balcony smoking a cigerette. And that's when I just starting thinking about my ED. I don't need this, I don't like these habits. And basically I've decided to stop all this shit. Okay, now I know it's not as easy as just saying your going to stop. But today, I've managed to eat & not think about purging, eat without thinking about calories, stop when I'm full, and not worry about my weight. Oh coarse it came into my mind a few times, but I tried my best to block it out.


It's just I haven't really been losing weight. Despite all the shit I've been putting myself through. It's hell on my body and emotions and I don't think its worth it. I'm almost possitive I can get a good body just by eating really healthy and exercising. [note:I want to be a vegen -Lord knows I've tried haha-] I know I can get through this though. I mean, I've gotten through depression [for the most part], stopped doing coke with no problem, I certainly can stop smoking [if I wanted to, I've gone months with no cravings],I've stopped cutting, I have stopped drinking. Seriously, if I can do all of those things, certainly I can get through this. Yes, it takes a lot of effort and really believing you can do it, but I really want to. I hate waking up and hating my body. I hate counting calories and I hate bingeing. Everything about this ED makes me upset. So...why am I doing this? So my plan, well I'm going to have a vegan lifestyle. As well as exercise [almost] daily. I've just got to control my thinking and stop worrying about this shit. I don't know.

Intense weakness. It hurts like a bitch. It was nearly impossible to get out of bed. I just tripped on something and got so fucking dizzy haha. I'm going to the DPS today with kelsey, I hope I don't get even worse. Let's hope she doesnt want to go to the mall or something haha. I can hear my heart beat more clearly and throughout my entire body haha. I feel like i'm going to die haha. bahhhh i dont like this at all. haha =\

Nearly 36 hours. I'm doing great, dreamed a little bout food haha. Then I was dreaming bout being in these classes and then some army classes. And somehow ended up on the beach messing around with dead sea walrus thingy ma bobs I dont know lmao...

Anyways, So I don't look like I'm as fat as I was. I hate not knowing how much I weigh. Grr, but then again I like it cos then I'm not frustrated cos the number didn't go down or something. I think I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to eat, watch my mum go grocery shopping today haha. Bahhhhh, I'm afraid of Friday though, pizza night. Ah, I just got sad a lil bit. Stupid pizza. I'm really stoked about this fast though, I really want to complete it. :)

edit: Gad, food cravings are bad. And im weak&tired. But oh well, mustn't eat. I've had about 120oz...or 140oz of water, im losing track haha. And I exercised for an hour today, so thats all good. I want to weigh myself, but then again I don't cos i know im not under 120 yet...bahhhhhh perhaps...maybe, ill weigh myself on day 5 of this fast =\ dunno....I think im going to go exercise some more...watch a movie, i dunnnno. :)

edit: So i may just die? im starrrvvvvving haha every other commercial is about food 1000 calorie food that i crave so much haha....so its been lets see...44 hours? bahhhhh kelsey is coming over later...so thats cool i guess. i want to weigh myself soooo bad its driving me crazy. ive consumed a good 160oz of water...bahhh lots of water ima drink 200oz today then stop...cos last night i woke up in the middle of the night having to pee like a bitch haha yahhhh i dunno, not eating...craving food...resisting to weigh myself...peeing every 30min....bahhhhhhh ima go insane....i want it to be past the 3rd day already...i mustn't give in though...and i cant let myself weigh myself....i cant, cos first its weighing...then its frustration....and that leads to eating....so no no no no no weighing....bahhh back to watching gilmore girls....pizza,oreos,chicken,fries,waffles,popcorn,cake,ice cream,tacos, calamari, rolls, ahhh bennigans...olive garden...even ihop....yet at some point i dont feel like eating a damn thing...just all depends ya kno...sooo nooo food...mussttt get to 114lbs....bahhhhhh 12 more days, i can so do this....i may weigh myself on day 8? to see how much i lose in a week...yupppp.

edit: So its been a good 48hours on my fast. Today was hard, in the sense that i was craving everything. all i did was smell things tho haha. *sigh* i really want resturant food tho. Jerry called...i feel bad cos i didnt really want to talk on th phone, and well im sure he did. i hope he didnt take that the wrong way. i love him. but fasting and this ed get the best of me...its like thats all im concerned about. im so tired right now but im afraid ill lay down and hurt from the hunger pains....i hate when im fasting and i cant get to sleep. it sucks ass. ahhh cravings...its like im hungry but at the same time i dont want any food =\rawr

( mmmm food )

sighsigh...i think i just might go to bennigans after my fast haha...cos my fast ends on the 24th annnd ill prolly be on my period...soooooo prolly go to bennigans on the 25th...then fast the next day...then restrict? i dont know. its sooo far ahead. 12 more days. bahhhhhhhh well ima go try to fall asleep. gnight

Officially 24hours into my fast.
160oz of water.
1 hour and 30min of exercise
plus some walking

I think I did good. Many temptations to eat, or wanting to eat a bunch of crap. Cept theres no food in my house so it's all good. yay. haha

Jerry's going to san antonion tmw, for 3 days. aw.

well i'm off to bed, tired as fuck. gnight

Being locked up like this can really add on to my depression. I mean, before it was like whatever I don't even want to go anywhere. Now, I actually want to go out but...my mum won't let me see steph. It's quite sad.

I've done well with fasting esp. with every craving possible. oreos, mmm. haha

I've had 140oz of water so far haha. perhaps I should stop drinking so i dont have to pee in the middle of the night.

i did good with exercising...and tmw i want to do more. it gets super tiring after a while tho considering the weakness from fasting and all. hm, maybe ill take some benedryl to help me fall asleep. the faster the better. bahhh and im sooo cold. i really need to stop it with the throwing up im pretty sure thats the reason why my face looks like crap...i usually never get all broken out and crap.

i keep reminding myself that i love feeling hungry and just fasting in general and if i ate anything itd ruin it all...yupyup. plus i neeeed this, i need to be under 100 by the time school starts and a long ass fast is just the thing to start a fast weight loss...

and ya know i dont even think i want a job anymore. i mean i dont really need the money, and i suck at saving it. so its whatever plus i need to make sure i do exellent this year in school. so yyyaaa.

man ive written in here like a thousand times today oh well. get over it. bahhhh i want day 3 to come already. tmw i think will be my hardest day...just getting through it completely....rawr. ima exercise as much as my weak body will let me haha and then some.

anywho ima go look at some pics.

gad i want to weigh myself so bad hahaha

Well, I've done a good amount of exercising. And it actually made me feel a whole lot better.
250crunches
15push ups
30lunges
20arm weight lifts
and tons of stretching

I became really unflexable...it sucks. So thats my goal for the next 14days, doing a lot of streatching and get really flexable.

I've had 80oz of water now. So its'a all good in the hood haha.

I really need to sit down and just think about things, think about how i feel. cos lately ive been shutting off my feelings and just well ya kno obsessing with my weight

blahblahblah

sleep/drink water/exercise/shower
repeat for the next fourteen days.

ohyes, its going to be a loonnngg fourteen days.

So I was thinking, by the time I get off this fast. I'll probably be starting my period =\ So I'm thinking I'll just weigh myself after that. Bahhh I want to weigh myself so bad right now & I want to eat. But I don't & I'm tired.
I've drank 40oz of water, so far. & I feel really cranky...like I could snap at any moment haha. Which I hate cos thats what happen yesturday i got so frustrated i just went all out and ate crap. But 14 days...not that long, eh? I can do this. Hell, it's day one...wth should this be so hard, i think if i can get past day 3 then everything will be o-kizay...yes, im quoting madagascar.

I want to sit somewhere pretty, stranded. No possible way I could eat. and just pretend like im waiting on something. just sit there...perhaps a beach..just sit there watch time go by...yes, thats what i want to do. ohohoh

( lil convo... )

He's so much more sweet now than he used to be and not so much of a controlling jackass. Maybe cos he lost me once and he doesn't want to lose me again? Eh, I don't know. I think he's going to san antonio tommorow, maybe to view the college campus? Aw, I don't want him to go. It's hard enough to see each other with him living an hour or so away. Now hes going to be like 4 hours away =\ and if i move to ny hes gonna be like 27863412874513 hours away. how sad! aw whatever life goes on haha jk i dont know....

i kind of miss having a life...and throwing tomatoes and eggs with steph...going out to resturants to just order diet coke and smoke a pack of cigerettes. i miss smoking. i shouldnt but i miss it all. i miss getting drunk at school with steph i miss i dont know what i miss. i kind of also just feel like wtf you wanna miss shit your just going to get sad. i mean things will come again, perhaps better things...and itll be all good. yah? i dont know. i havent eaten yet...but then again its only 1:30 and ive only been awake for an hour...=\ i kind of just want to give in and eat everything.theres a cake in the kitchen...but no no no no and why
1.im not even that hungry
2.ill just eat all day
3 ill get fat
4.im on a fucking fast here
5.food is dumb
6.my throat still hurts from yesturday i dont want to throw up
7.im working on losing 14lbs here
8.eating is crap
9.i dont even like the crap in my kitchen
10.i.dont.want.to.be.fat.anymore

yup. ten reasons why i shouldnt eat right now. i think thats good enough, right?

i could REALLY go for some diet coke and some 27's...lets face it, i just dont want to stop smoking....godddammmmn

bahhh chugged water...hurts....ow haha....

whyd i have to fuck up again? whywhywhywhy i want to chill with steph & casually drink & smoke...bahhhh im a dumbass. whatever.

At this moment, I just want to lay in my bed and sleep forever. Don't want to talk to anyone...do anything...def. not eat. Just lay there and 'rot away'. I just don't want to fucking eat. Why is it so hard for me to lose this weight?!?!!?! whywhywhywhy....seriously i dont recall it being this hard before...it took maybe 2months to lose 20lbs...and now...hmmmm cant lose a damn thing...not a damn thing. fuck.

my throat hurts so bad and everytime i swallow it just reminds me how much this all sucks fucking ass. if i hadnt eaten i wouldnt have thrown up. end up story. goodbye. the end....yes im quoting harry potter.

its like theres throw up in my throat...or acid, and it is anything but lovely.

and my fucking pictures that i put on my wall/door are annoying the fuck out of me cos theyre all fucking falling...fuck them, im going to rip them all off.

bahhhh.....no one is to disturb me tmw. maybe even for 14 days....fuck i know i cant do that cos my friends/jerr will want to talk but uhhh tommorow...no, i need time to just mope around. whatever the word is...

and if that means laying in my bed all fucking day watching harry potter than so be it....

my.throat.is.fucking.killing.me.

i hate that 'theres something caught in my throat' feeling and i hate to think it fucking thrown up food...sickkk. it just hurts like a bitch. make it go away!

I feel like shoving a spoon down my throat. =\

heart beats faster. weakness overcomes my body. clearing my throat every 5 seconds. trying not to pass out.

oh yes, its lovely. *pffft*

Why don't I just choke on my own finger and die! I'm just kidding?

ok so im going to do something....i have no idea if itll work...but lets hope for the best?

July 10th-July 24th *fast*

200oz of water per day
30min of exercise
-200crunches
-30lunges
-20push ups

weight now- 128.5lbs

goal weight- 114lbs

*note: im not weighing myself until im done with my fast

You're fat. And I know at this point you think you'll never lose weight. Well who fucking cares, this is punishment. You're an idiot and don't deserve to eat. Starve yourself hunny, starve to fucking death. You're now doing this for other reasons than to lose weight, cos that's impossible. You'll always be fat, sorry but it's true. Just fucking don't eat.

bahhhhhh i feel like crap. yesturday i started off good restricting then ate a crap load and today i did so good fasting then blahhhhh.....im going to die...or so it feels like it. and yes i fucking threw up 3 times tonight...fuck you. fuck myself...fuck this.

( it's just how I do... )

Okay, first of all I'm tired as fuck! Only had one 1/2 hours of sleep! yah I'm going to die jk. Well....actually i dont feel like writing haha. I'm fasting for seven days....

happiness though....but im too tired to think about it. blah blah blah....seriously though....tired as fuck! haha.

aw chinese wedding...sorry haha

Well, I slept for about 3 hours. Jerry called, and Stephanie call. BAH! haha wonder what they wanted, hmm. So my grandma made this big dinner [my weakness i mean ultimate weakness...her fried chicken] the table is just covered with food...fried chicken,mashed potatoes, pizza, cheesesticks, peas....omg! and I look at her and im just like...."im not hungry" and shes like...what? your not hungry?? *looks frustrated* at least come sit down and say prayer with us...ahh fine. so did that all was good went upstairs and slept. So all isss good. I was 128lbs this morning I'm at 127.5 now. I've been drinking loads of water. about 100oz yesturday, and so far I've had about 40oz of water. That food, is a bit tempting...but the main thing thats holding me back is that...i cant let jerry down & throw up. I just cant and well that means I can't eat. Cos i cant really trust myself to eat [and not binge and purge] i lose control and its i dont know wierd. like i either eat everything i mean until i get so full and the worst headache..and then some...or i dont eat shit. but im getting better at just restricting. but i really wanna do this seven day fast to get everything started. i just hopw by the end of this fast im at least 120lbs. im really going to try more water and more exercise to see if it helps me lose weight cos i really havent been able to lose any weight recently and its irritating as fuck. So yah...i just dont know. Perhaps ill try again with the whole being vegan, eh? Ah its kind of sad that jerry think hes helping by telling me not to throw up and in a way he is...but its just helping me so much better just to not even eat at all. eh, thats another thing...yesturday i had just eaten then my grandma kept wanting me to do stuff for her and i was getting sooo pissed off cos all i wanted to do was throw it up....bahhhh. i kinda just dont like eating in front of anyone anymore. its just cos i get all panicky and icky and irritated and then head straight for the bathroom =\ bahhhh whatever no mas throwing up.

i fucking hate her i hate her i hate her....

she cant fucking make me go to church

im going to die!!! fucking bloddy goddamn mother fucking hell. thats how i feel and part of me just fucking feels like giving in just so i dont have to go through shit anymore...im tired of getting so damn upset that i cry and scream and torture my body....im tired of it...fucking bloody tired of it. i need to talk to jerry dammit....

Oh and not to mention...my mum is thinking about moving to new york. said something bout house looking in november....

mum: you moving to new york with us?
me: *not wanting to even talk to my mum* I'm moving to london...

bah that was a lovely car ride...she kept asking me what i wanted to do this summer instead of sitting around the house i said "nothing!!!"....its my fault then her fault then my will...ya know...i got drunk so she's denying me of seeing my friends i wont do anything else...therefore the rest of summer...oh yes, locked up inside my house ocasionally being forced to stay with my grandparents who fucking force me to go to church....

i hate thier church...i hate it i hate it i hate it....then they always go out to eat afterwards...fucking hell....whatever.

Earlier was all fine and dandy [foodwise] soo what happened? well of coarse my mind changes and all hell breaks loose.
blood&stars oh my! =\

my stomach hurts, my throat hurts, my mind hurts...hm wow im surprised i dont have a headache. whywhywhy oh why do i eat if it makes me miserable? i know i say i hate this? and [in jerrys words] then why dont i change it. but i want to be skinny oh, so then why dont i just not eat. oh hunny, please do your mind and body a favor...dont eat for a while. it'll be okay, your survive. just dont dont dont dont eat. please?

I realllly need to stop being so obvious, it just seems that im nearly at my high weight right now. so maybe i think it doesnt matter whether im obvious or not cos it doesnt look like i starve myself. but my sister...well last time i saw her i was restricting majorly and she didnt really see me anything she asked what i wanted to eat and i was like nothing and shes like ooh is that how u lose weight...whatever. and today she saw my scale in the upstairs bathroom...oh coarse im going to bring my scale with me. well she said something about how thats going to make the problem worse...and i was like uhm what are tallking about she just said that weighing myself everyday "isnt good cos in the middle of the day you might gain a pound and then not want to eat the rest of the day" =\ and i dont know bout my mom...shes pretty oblivious to things but usually when i eat ill go into the bathroom for a good 30min to an hour...dunno if she suspects anything...she had asked me if im bulimic tho...but i was actually losing weight back then...i dont know. but my point is, i should hide this more. sighsigh

Mk. So Today started off...okay well no today and yesturday have just been crap. Family shit, my grandma being a douche. But it set me off so I ya know, threw stuff hit things...cried...called jerry...whatever. i dont even care. i really just never want to think about crap ever again. seriously ima be all in my own world, ya kno? whatever i can do to make myself happy....cos seriously why try make other people happy. if everyones making themselves happy....then shouldnt everyone be happy? right...i mean it makes sense to me. Anyways...
Eating-wise...
i woke up at 11:30
had about 3 slices of an apple at 12:30
ate a strawberry just now so thats 4:15
im guessing thats like not even 50cals.
i dont care. i really just dont feel like eating, thank god
oh and ive already had 60oz of water today.

im exhausted. mind&body

my plan was to eat under 500cals a day
eat an hour after i wake up [100cals]
eat at 3pm [250cals]
eat at 6pm [150cals]
and exercise an hour a day [30min at least]

sounds really good actually and i dont kno why i just didnt do this before or ive made this plan i just never stick to it.

before i used to love fasting, now im begginning to hate it, terribly.
i mean, i get irritable...sleepy...and just cranky all around ya know. Yesturday when i hadnt eaten for 40hours my mom wanted me to help put the garage door down cos its fucked up and it was hard cos i was feeling weak and i got really pissed off...i dont like that.

cos when i get pissed off i get upset and then that leads to crying cos id rather be sad than mad...altho its usually jsut both...whatever.

i felt so angry earlier and....sad...more so angry tho i just cant stand to think about anything anymore. and then i also thought about how i might not even see steph [or kels] until school....god that made me sad.

i want to get away from my parents. i want to go to college already. and work my ass off...i want to try my fucking best to do great in college and better myself...i dont care if i have to pay off student loans afterwards, honestly i think its worth it. i just want to do it all on my own. and no matter how bad i want to drink, smoke, cut, anything...im not going to. i jsut wont do that shit to myself anymore. and yah i still have this fucking disordered eating. and i wont ever eat enough. but hey if i just stop these thoughts and stop throwing my food up...yah maybe it'll be better, maybe it wont seem like i have a problem. ill just eat fruit and veggies...and....ah, i dont know. i guess thats just a problem thats always going to stick with me. but i need to get rid of every other problem cos its making my ed more intense and i can not stand that...i just...cant. whatever im done with thinking about shit...

ok so ima try something ive never done before and lets just hope this works

loads of water
500 cals or less
1 hour of exercising

my plans are always so jumbled up....fasting then bingeing...then restricting...perhaps if i can stick to one thing and something thatll keep me going and not make me want to binge or purge for that matter....then maybe, just maybe ill lose weight for good.

im going to start tmw...so we'll just see what happens...

i feel like shit...

nearly died! not really but panic attack surely...so i went bout 45 hours not eating....of coarse its friday and we order pizza...well when your starving freshly delivered pizza is nearly irresistable until you have a slice or 2 and you feel like your going to die...and all you wanna do now is throw up so you go upstairs but uh...wth i dont even think the upstairs toilet works anymore...so you think ok maybe a trash can? the sink? no, i just cant risk getting caught....i was 127.5 with clothes after i ate 130...scared me, i cried a little...its pure crap im tired i just want to fucking lose 10lbs...omg im serious i dont know what to do...and i dont have my journal with me....i need to write down a plan...it helps me...i need it!